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1.4 | What have you learned/observed about your mindfulness of listening and speaking (MOLS) practice?
Below, you will see the Session #1 reflection questions. Please answer these questions at the bottom of the screen.
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57 Replies
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While listening in work meetings, I observed a lot of frustration and irritation inside my body. This an energy pulsated in my chest and belly, and created a desire to give up conversation (but I did not!). This experience sparked a self-investigation about this irritation in my body more often. It was definitely more difficult to pay attention to these nuances while speaking.
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At the beginning, I noticed a certain impatience, rushing to get to the end of the story. But then that passed and I became very involved in the story of my colleagues. Other observations were constant attempts to give hints about what could be done, or judgments about what was being said.
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While practicing MOLS, words have become softer to my ears. Then, I can speak from a quiet place that is more vulnerable. The musicality of the words creates a feather-like texture around things that allows me to talk from a place of presence and equanimity more often. There is silence in between one and the next word. In a conversation, there is less control from me. I can trust and engage with my colleagues while being part of an organic process.
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This practice felt to me very similar to a form of active listening that I learned in the past in a context in which I was to provide emotional support to other people. Thinking of this particular experience (MOLS) as a form of mindfulness practice, I observed similar patterns as those that I regularly discern in my mind when I cultivate other mindful practices: my mind is racing in all directions, doing what it is that the mind does – thinking. Having a human focus (someone who I also am to care for: listening to their voice, and responding to their words) felt like a more powerful anchor than others (e.g. breath, or a contemplative object) to steady the mind and avoid running after its stream of thoughts. All this, though, does not mean that I was never distracted – but it did help getting back on track whenever I became aware that I was doing anything other than practicing mindfulness of listening and speaking.
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I have noticed when I get a feeling in my body that indicates anxiety and I’ll tell myself to slow down. I also notice that I am trying to be more curious about the sensations I get in the body when I am speaking and listening.
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It takes mindfulness to do the MOLS practice Often when I’m in a meeting, mindfulness goes out of the door. When I remember, I settle in my seat and I notice sensations; my body is often leading forward, I’m not breathing fully, thoughts are usually – what should I say, what can I add – I notice my present state and re-center myself. Re-centering doesn’t last long however, I’m remembering more often than before.
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With my MOLS practice, I’ve been able to better observe when I’m formulating a response rather than purely listening to the conversation at hand. By allowing myself more space/pauses in the conversation to process what has been said after the speaker has finished, I’ve become a better listener and a more thoughtful participant.
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I’m observing my habit is to listen so that I can respond, it typically isn’t listening to hear the other person. When speaking mindfully, I’m noticing a tendency to allow myself to be more vulnerable. In a conversation recently where I earnestly wanted to listen mindfully, I felt myself slide back into the deep groves of habits and focusing more on how I’d reply and what I could share to show that I was listening, rather than actually listening. I’ll keep practicing!
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I learned that it is way more difficult for me to do the mindfulness of speaking. I tend to loose contact with myself and pay attention to others instead
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Within the workday, it can be hard for me for even remember to attempt to be mindful in meetings. This may come from the fact that work and mindfulness are still really separate experiences for me. In the moments when I’ve remembered, I notice my breathing slow and have more awareness of my body (what hurts, what’s neutral feeling, what’s cold/warm etc). At times when doing this, I can notice myself listening less to what the other person is saying because it can feel like being mindful of the body distracts from my listening. I feel the urge to practice this more.
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Immediately following our first 2 day session, I arrived upstairs to find friends on the porch, over for dinner. It was an opportunity to take what we had learned and apply it. As my friend spoke, I sat with my legs crossed, up right, still. I felt my center still and calm, them hands vibrating softly against my legs. I found her eyes, and listened. I listened without affirmation or advice as she spoke of her ill father taking a fall, falling down while she was helping him down a few steps. I sensed her upset, her deep love for her father, and her own questioning of her role in the fall. I believe that I might have normally tried to offer advice, to have resolved the feeling up upset I sensed from her. But instead, I asked only open ended questions. What changes did she imagine happening in her family now after this fall? How was her mother feeling? How was her father coping besides the injury?
I noticed how long someone will speak for, how much curiosity and probing they will do if do not interrupted, if I actively and mindfully listen, how much richer and deeper the conversation and connection will go.
I tried this a few other times -once with my partner and another with coworkers. I found so much freedom listening in this way, so much peace and depth by this kind of mindful listening.
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When I listen deeply, I feel most connected with people. I feel a calmness and presentness that grounds me. It allows for a vulnerability that is both peaceful and strong.
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A typical meeting:
Intending to mindfully listen: Oh crap, what did she just say?!? … Mindfully listen again…oh, she wants it on Tuesday. I don’t think I can get it done by Tuesday!
Mindfully speak: I’ve got an all-day meeting on Tuesday, how about Wednesday before noon? (I hope she’s OK with that. She may feel I’m distracted, not capable or lazy.)
Oh, shoot not again, did she just say OK?
Not-so-mindful speech:
I’m sorry, my dog was barking, (I don’t have a dog) did you say Wednesday would work OK?It comes and goes depending on the situation and the stress I feel to “perform”.
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I made an effort to pay attention to being grounded and breathing more deeply–it helped me to be more relaxed in the meeting, though I felt as though I was not receiving or retaining the information as well.
For speaking mindfully, I was moderating the Q&A session of a hybrid (in-person and zoom) meeting, I found myself being self-conscious about my hands, and noticed the main speaker had hers comfortably at her side–I tried that and it did feel more natural and was one less thing that I was “thinking” about.
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As a Type-A person, I tend to try to manage or control situations. It’s been challenging, and also liberating, to focus on letting go and just being an open space for others. (This is something I was focused on prior to this course, and I now feel that I have a sharper tool box to actually let go, and just be with others.)
Specifically, two days after our first course, I practiced “MOLS” in a 1:1 with one of my direct reports. I was very conscious not to interrupt her, to listen intently, and to speak with intention. Through our conversation (my questions, feedback, and support) it was clear that she was touched and grateful, as she clearly verbalized this. It also felt like our most connected 1:1 thus far.
A week later, I asked two of my colleagues to have a conversation around a ‘crisis communications’ situation—one that I sensed could be conflicted based on previous conversations. In the conversation, I told both of them that I really wanted to understand their perspectives and recommendations. I asked a lot of questions and tried to remain curious. What I find challenging, still, is to both create space for others and create space for my own thoughts and perspectives, too. I tried to find this balance in this conversation. In the end, we arrived at a “compromised” solution, and while not fully resolved for the long-term, I felt more connected and understanding of them and their perspectives than ever.
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