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1.4 | What have you learned/observed about your mindfulness of listening and speaking (MOLS) practice?
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I would consider myself pretty reactionary and quick to move on to the next thing or adding more intensity to a situation that does not need it. With MOLS I don’t get as wrapped up in what the other person is sharing or how I want to respond. Instead, I can just focus on listening and absorbing. As I form a response, I’m coming from a grounded place with collected/mindful thoughts.
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I practiced more of the mindful listening. I noted that I could feel my quality of attention being good for the other person and also that I could sense different things coming up as they were speaking – empathy for their situation, some annoyance at their challenges. In some ways it also felt like there was a bit more of a distance between what they were saying and space between that and how I reacted – more ability for this space to respond versus react – and that I was more “on” the situation that “in” it. I also found like I talked less in the meets I tried this than I might have otherwise – maybe that was a better experience for others! I found it hard to stay in for a long period because I would get involved in the subject matter and then move out of that mode.
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It’s easier for me to practice mindful listening in personal relationships. I can do it when I’m talking to my husband, father, or any young people in my life. In business/work situations, it’s a bit more difficult unless it’s a one-on-one interaction. My mind wanders if the group strays from the meeting’s topic/intention/agenda. It’s hard for me to listen to something off-topic mindfully.
I’ve been putting mindful speaking into practice when talking to myself. Trying to calm the negative self-talk that sometimes creeps in, especially as I transition businesses.
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I’ve had a hard time remembering this throughout the work day despite the bright orange post-it note on my monitor. I might remember before a meeting starts and then never think of it again. Other times it pops into my mind for a second or two and I try to be present and then I’m lost in the zoom screen again. I find I do better at one-on-one meetings and in in-person interactions with friends. I’m better at mindfully listening than I am at mindful speaking. It will be a practice to try to be more aware of this throughout the day and really sit back and listen and speak thoughtfully.
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I’ve found that it requires some reminders to myself during meetings. I often do find times when I just want to jump in during a call and adjust the track of the conversation. I do find that when I step back and just truly listen, I can uncover a deeper lens to where the other person is coming from and how to interact in a way where I can both share my point and connect with the other person’s POV.
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Being present for another person is truly a gift and it is a gift I would like to give more freely. When listening mindfully and with full engagement, so much can be learned by just listening. When I interrupt or insert something it can derail the natural flow of the conversation.
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In a recent round of job interviews, I’ve used the Mindfulness of listening and speaking practice as a way to stay out of my head and prioritize being present and respond in the moment. I feel the questions I actually asked in the moment of the job interview were just as good or even more authentic than the questions I prepared. I also realized that it could be meaningful and good enough to simply state the obvious. Like “I don’t know, let me think” or “What you said made me think…” or doing a version of “yes, and” instead of some prepared response.
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In reflecting on MOLS it has made me aware of how I’ve been trained/rewarded most of my career for the speed at which I can process and synthesize complex information. By doing so, I’m missing the opportunity to be fully present for the conversation and provide the person/team the depth of attention. Difficult conversations attain a different state of flow with MOLS. I’m curious how to more formally integrate these practices w/in a culture so that it becomes a part of the organizational operating system.
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This is where I experienced the largest number of teaching moments. Referencing my answer above in question 1.1, I didn’t pick one meeting to practice MOLS principles but sought to extend mindfulness into as many social and interpersonal interactions as I possibly could. In professional settings, I noticed a consistent want inside to simply say something. And this was a sensation that emerged A LOT and was situationally agnostic. It appears as though I’ve been tuned in professional settings to be saying something, anything. Much of the time. I found I was annoying myself at times. In personal settings, particularly with my spouse and my children, I found a renewed awareness of all the micro-feeling states that emerge within even mundane interactions. As a new father over the previous several years, I’ve prided myself on trying to remain open to influence and curious to what I can observe in my children day to day. This exercise renewed that effort and helped me to level up this awareness.
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I have been able to more fully practice intentional, focused, present leadership and am growing more of aware of my triggers and reactions throughout the day and explore these.
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Mindful listening has always been a challenge for me, as I had been proud of multitasking. However, I noticed that I need to improve in Q&A, where mindful listening is a key factor. I have forced myself to listen with discipline, resonate from other’s perspective, paraphrase with intention, and respond with empathy.
About speaking, I tend to speak fast and crisp. I have been wanting to speak more softly. As I paid attention to speak with tenderness, I invited openers and participation. I need to keep up with the how I can use MOLS to create psychological safety in my team.
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This month I’ve noticed how quickly my judgmental mind takes over when people I don’t respect very much start talking. Then I berate myself (all while they are still speaking) and I miss much of what they actually said. I’m pushing myself to be more open to whatever they want to share and ask myself why I’m so disturbed by their voices.
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I used MOLS on several work meetings in the last week.
When not fully present, I fall into a trap of judgment, unease, and physical tension very easily. There are specific people who trigger these responses more than other. When I respond in this way, it becomes more difficult to listen deeply and pull out their intention.
When I practice MOLS and I’m well rested, I can transition between each of these more appropriately. During MOLS I am able to recognize which of these states is most appropriate and fall into it with more comfort. Sparkliness has been an area of challenge: recent COVID related events in my workplace have made “sparklines” the least appropriate response but I’m able to tap into it more naturally when practicing MOLS. -
My initial engagement with conversations is often very tense, and awkward silences have often felt physically painful to my body. In part, I often feel as if I should somehow have answers or fix things, feeling as if I’ve inconvenienced people by not jumping to the rescue. Sitting and listening, allowing to share in holding emotions but not listening to fix, has been a great practice for me.
I have also noticed that I tend to physically respond more than I naturally might want to, which is in some ways to connect, but I question if it’s out of a need to seem to have an opinion on what they’re saying as if I wasn’t fully animated I would be rejecting them. An interesting observation I will have to think about more!
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MOLS practice is very difficult for me, not a new observation. My mind and mouth jumps out very easily to solutions, comments, and results; my husband is always pointing this out to me in frustration. The challenge for me is consciously bringing to mind AWARENESS of the moment and calling to mind BE MINDFUL NOW. In the past few weeks I have had a crisis with family, visitors from out of town, a move to another town for a month, and it becomes easy to dismiss mindfulness of listening and speaking until “I have time to concentrate.” I will bring it to mind all day today and see what happens.
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