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2.2 | What have you learned from / observed in your stance of daily life self-compassion practice?
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What I’ve observed most is what feels like a general softening—of my mind, my disposition, my reactions—in nearly every facet of my day-to-day experience. One of the quotes that stuck with me most from this large session was the idea that when we broaden the aperture of self-compassion and acceptance for oneself, it provides space to broaden the aperture of compassion and acceptance for anyone and anything else outside oneself. That is certainly the experience I’ve been able to glimpse and begin to (re-) build through self-compassion practice.
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I have definitely noticed an ability to step away from anger and frustration more often. Conceptualizing those I was doing meta practice on reminded me that much like me, there are often underlying concerns, fears and other things that cause not-self reactions. For example, recently I was in a situation where I was in a car and the driver almost hit a pedestrian we were unable to see from our position. Both the driver of the car I was in and the pedestrian were angry. The pedestrian smacked the car, eyes large wondering how we could have almost hit him, and the driver was upset that the pedestrian seemingly darted out into the street.
I felt as if I was watching the event in third person, seeing how everyone’s reactions were really a reaction to the shock of potential harm. As the driver got angrier after the pedestrian hit the car, I turned and told them, “I think he is reacting because he just almost died. It is fear. What if we instead addressed him with empathy, sympathy?” It wasn’t important that he hit our car, but it was more important to ask, “Are you ok?” or “I’m so sorry I almost hit you, I did not see you, I apologize, are you ok?” I wondered how much better the pedestrian would have responded to the driver had they both stopped to process the event before jumping into blame. Previously, I think I would have too been self-righteous and felt that the person with the more power in the situation (the driver in this case) should have been better, done more, etc but accepting that we are all doing our best has been a continual revelation in my life.
I was working on developing this aspect of my practice before, but the deeper practice from this course has helped me immensely in analyzing my compassion practice. Discussing with course-mates about both sides of leadership – being lead and leading, has opened my eyes further to the huge role vulnerability and authenticity have in leadership and relationships overall. Both vulnerability and authenticity to me lead to greater compassion, and it has been a joy to be in this compassionate practice.
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The more I practice, the more deeply in love with myself I become. That feels sort of weird to write but In don’t know how else to explain. It gets easier and easier and deeper and deeper every time. I feel sort of like I am building a shield that no one or no thing can penetrate with criticism, negativity or harm.
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I learned to be patient with myself, and more appreciative. Carol Dweck talked about the value of challenging oneself. It made me value my obstacles! I now feel grateful for experiences that take me out of my comfort zones (instead of slipping into an autopilot victim mode, or finding ways around what I’m faced with). When I see something I don’t like about myself, or feel stuck regarding a problem I am having — I ask myself a more empowering question, what if this was a gift? What if this was exactly what I needed in order to grow? What if this situation is absolutely perfect for me? What if this is one of my great teachers? How amazing would that be? What a blessing!
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Just the other day I made a mistake at work and felt REALLY bad about myself. I then took a deep breath and said “I messed up, I’m not perfect’ that’s okay” and moved on. I didn’t feel instantly better, but I was able to move past this mistake and not grasp to the feeling as long as I would have in the past. Self-compassion, like most things, will likely be a life long process for me.
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What is learned through the practice of life self-compassion is to be gentle with my self; and to be kind and forgiving to my own circumstances.
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I am navigating some transitions in my professional life. The self-compassion practice allows me to take good care of myself /take it easy on myself. It’s is particularly important when my inner critic swoops in and tries to feed me a narrative that can leave me feeling regretful, make me doubt my decision, and leave me with decision paralysis. With the compassion practice, I notice all of the feelings and thoughts and then give myself permission to inquire and dig deeper into the meaning behind them, why they’re arising and then release what doesn’t support my wellbeing at the moment.
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I notice that I can be resistant to self-compassion during metta meditations.I offer kind wishes to others freely but it’s difficult to use the “may I” language. I’ll keep practicing and noticing the discomfort rather than avoiding the piece completely, which I have done in the past. Reading Kristin Neff has really enriched my practice, especially her new book.
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I’m not sure if it’s the age I’m at combined with a more consistent self-compassion practice, but I’ve found it to be grounding and uplifting most noticeably these last two years. It’s something tangible I can point to as helping me through the uncertainty and challenges of this moment in time. I think it has also allowed me to shed to a degree what hasn’t served me and to be more brave.
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cont’d from above:
I notice I can sometimes feel self-conscious if I express too much gratitude or positivity stemming from my practice, although genuine. I know that seems a bit strange to say. It depends on who I am with. Many friends and colleagues, even family seem new to this practice and have only heard about it in the context of wellness and its popularity in different industries.
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I have taken a lot of self compassion courses over the past couple of years and it has been an immense help in just giving myself a break and letting me have more of a relaxed experience with myself and others.
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It is surprising how harsh we am toward ourself, I would never criticize someone like my inner monologue does. The self compassion was my favorite adaption and preparation for the Metta meditation, to see yourself from the outside with compassion.
It allowed me to stop the “i should always do more, or better” list and dialogues, and to breath and look with compassion at my self and my day. To breath out and be happy with whatever each day had brought. It made me calmer and I allowed me to improve my self care.
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This seems to come easier to me when I take a seat beside myself and imagine being my elder sister or beloved friend.
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Though self-compassion has been traditionally very hard for me to cultivate, with this focused daily practice I’ve started to become more available to the idea that I too deserve some compassion. And that realization has been very powerful and special.
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I’ve worked a lot on this area in recent years, and particularly during the pandemic. Working through and processing my struggles has helped me see the intrinsic value that I (and by extension, others) have as a person outside of external conditions. There is a lightness, peace, and stability that comes from taking this default stance.
Of course, I still find myself getting caught in a moment of struggle- it’s a matter of continuing to gently remind myself to have grace and acceptance of less-than-ideal outcomes. Later, when I sit with and hold my suffering with compassion, there is a softening effect, along with a poignancy- b/c I reflect on how my suffering is not just my own, but also felt in others. I also reflect on my family history to take in a broader view of a certain karmic stream that led to where I am today.
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