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3.1 | What have you learned from / observed in your formal meditation on continuing to practice mindfulness of the body and cultivate goodwill for the person with whom you are having difficulty?
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I realize over and over again that life is complex, and our experiences often inform our behavior. Someone may appear difficult to me in a moment, but in that same moment, they are a blessing to someone else. Also, I know that no matter how hard I try to do and be my best, I am likely difficult to someone. So there’s space for a breath and grace.
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I have found doing this for people I love (friends and family) that I’m having difficulty is really helpful in our day to day relationships. I have not tried this for anyone who has truly harmed me and I don’t know that I ever will. But I like it as a tool to foster love for those in my life who may cause difficulties and suffering.
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Continuing to regularly cultivate mindfulness of the body during quiet times has helped me expand my ability to recognize my body’s signals during more difficult times, like during a heated discussion. Recognizing these cues during more stressful situations has allowed me to better take stock of the moment and self-soothe before responding, instead of coming to the table from a reactionary place.
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CONCEPTUAL: My understanding of the mechanism of conflict is that it comes from what some Buddhists call the “small sense of self,” or in other words: our regular, self-centered view of the world. We all have limited ideas of how the world is, or what should happen- which is based on our small slice of reality. The other related mechanism at play is that we believe we’re separate from everything and everyone, and we go about life as the main character of our own movies, trying to get our needs met.
Conceptually, while I can understand these Buddhist ideas and am not at a place where I genuinely value differences in others and by default take a compassionate stance, the difficulty lies in where I feel I’ve been mistreated or attacked in some way. The cognitive side of my brain seems to go offline, and I don’t have as much access to the wisdom that Jack Kornfield poignantly describes as “being in touch with the divine plan for the sorrows and difficulties, beauty and wonders that we are to be given” – in other words the coming together of innumerable conditions that make up any given moment, or in this case- “difficult person.”
I really love how Sylvia Boorstein puts it: “The deepest understanding that I have is that everybody is manifesting in each moment as a result of everything that ever happened to them, or their parents, or in their life, or how they got there, or in their genetics. And it allows me to not be angry in the way that I used to feel angry at particular people. It doesn’t take away from me my determination to be an activist, or to speak out about the ideas that I hold dear. But I don’t have to have an embittered mind. This has been the most freeing thing.”
Compassion is derived from understanding, and through cultivating self-awareness of all of the forces of greed, aversion, unworthiness, fear, etc. that live within me, I can better understand and have compassion for others without necessarily needing to know their individual histories..
EXPERIENTIAL: Mindfulness of the body softens the mind/body and creates the right conditions to practice metta (in my experience, it was difficult to focus without first calming the mind/body). Then after a certain level of metta is created with other beings, it was a natural and smooth transition to move on to the person with whom I was having difficulty. Sitting in a field of metta, it was then easy to see the other person as a whole rather than a part (e.g. a caricature, or the small side of them that has been “problematic”), and to begin to tap more into their humanity. I could zoom the camera out and see them as a whole person. I felt peace and warmth in my heart and held them with compassion.. It was a poignant experience.
At this stage, compassion seems mainly derived from cognition rather than baked into a deeper, more embodied level. My intention is to incorporate metta practice more into my mediation routine, and to continue to use interpersonal conflicts that arise as fertilizer for personal growth.
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CONCEPTUAL: My understanding of the mechanism of conflict is that it comes from what some Buddhists call the “small sense of self,” or in other words: our regular, self-centered view of the world. We all have limited ideas of how the world is, or what should happen- which is based on our small slice of reality. The other related mechanism at play is that we believe we’re separate from everything and everyone, and we go about life as the main character of our own movies, trying to get our needs met.
Conceptually, while I can understand these Buddhist ideas and am not at a place where I genuinely value differences in others and by default take a compassionate stance, the difficulty lies in where I feel I’ve been mistreated or attacked in some way. The cognitive side of my brain seems to go offline, and I don’t have as much access to the wisdom that Jack Kornfield poignantly describes as “being in touch with the divine plan for the sorrows and difficulties, beauty and wonders that we are to be given” – in other words the coming together of innumerable conditions that make up any given moment, or in this case- “difficult person.”
I really love how Sylvia Boorstein puts it: “The deepest understanding that I have is that everybody is manifesting in each moment as a result of everything that ever happened to them, or their parents, or in their life, or how they got there, or in their genetics. And it allows me to not be angry in the way that I used to feel angry at particular people. It doesn’t take away from me my determination to be an activist, or to speak out about the ideas that I hold dear. But I don’t have to have an embittered mind. This has been the most freeing thing.”
Compassion is derived from understanding, and through cultivating self-awareness of all of the forces of greed, aversion, unworthiness, fear, etc. that live within me, I can better understand and have compassion for others who are manifesting in an “unpleasant way” without necessarily needing to know their individual histories.. Then if necessary, I can begin to move into the appropriate response that is rooted in a firm compassion.
EXPERIENTIAL: Mindfulness of the body softens the mind/body and creates the right conditions to practice metta (in my experience, it was difficult to focus without first calming the mind/body). Then after a certain level of metta is created with other beings, it was a natural and smooth transition to move on to the person with whom I was having difficulty. Sitting in a field of metta, it was then easy to see the other person as a whole rather than a part (e.g. a caricature, or the small side of them that has been “problematic”), and to begin to tap more into their humanity. I could zoom the camera out and see them as a whole person. I felt peace and warmth in my heart and held them with compassion.. It was a poignant experience.
At this stage, compassion seems mainly derived from cognition rather than baked into a deeper, more embodied level. My intention is to incorporate metta practice more into my mediation routine, and to continue to use interpersonal conflicts that arise as fertilizer for personal growth.
-
CONCEPTUAL: My understanding of the mechanism of conflict is that it comes from what some Buddhists call the “small sense of self,” or in other words: our regular, self-centered view of the world. We all have limited ideas of how the world is, or what should happen- which is based on our small slice of reality. The other related mechanism at play is that we believe we’re separate from everything and everyone, and we go about life as the main character of our own movies, trying to get our needs met.
Conceptually, while I can understand these Buddhist ideas and am now at a place where I genuinely value differences in others and by default take a compassionate stance, the difficulty lies in where I feel I’ve been mistreated or attacked in some way. The cognitive side of my brain seems to go offline, and I don’t have as much access to the wisdom that Jack Kornfield poignantly describes as “being in touch with the divine plan for the sorrows and difficulties, beauty and wonders that we are to be given” – in other words the coming together of innumerable conditions that make up any given moment, or in this case- “difficult person.”
I really love how Sylvia Boorstein puts it: “The deepest understanding that I have is that everybody is manifesting in each moment as a result of everything that ever happened to them, or their parents, or in their life, or how they got there, or in their genetics. And it allows me to not be angry in the way that I used to feel angry at particular people. It doesn’t take away from me my determination to be an activist, or to speak out about the ideas that I hold dear. But I don’t have to have an embittered mind. This has been the most freeing thing.”
Compassion is derived from understanding, and through cultivating self-awareness of all of the forces of greed, aversion, unworthiness, fear, etc. that live within me, I can better understand and have compassion for others who are manifesting in an “unpleasant way” without necessarily needing to know their individual histories.. Then if necessary, I can begin to move into the appropriate response that is rooted in a firm compassion.
EXPERIENTIAL: Mindfulness of the body softens the mind/body and creates the right conditions to practice metta (in my experience, it was difficult to focus without first calming the mind/body). Then after a certain level of metta is created with other beings, it was a natural and smooth transition to move on to the person with whom I was having difficulty. Sitting in a field of metta, it was then easy to see the other person as a whole rather than a part (e.g. a caricature, or the small side of them that has been “problematic”), and to begin to tap more into their humanity. I could zoom the camera out and see them as a whole person. I felt peace and warmth in my heart and held them with compassion.. It was a poignant experience.
At this stage, compassion seems mainly derived from cognition rather than baked into a deeper, more embodied level. My intention is to incorporate metta practice more into my mediation routine, and to continue to use interpersonal conflicts that arise as fertilizer for personal growth.
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