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3.2 | What have you learned from / observed around conflict and difficult conversations?
Below, you will see the Session #3 reflection questions. Please answer these questions at the bottom of the screen.
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50 Replies
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I’ve learned that the more grounded I am (I feel gravity, and what Oren Jay Sofer called the “Mid-line” from crown to perineum, the more I can enter and remain in a highly charged conversation with equanimity. I love the SOM practices- so powerful both as speaker, and as listener.
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Staying: 1) grounded in the mind, 2) centered in the body, 3)noticing my thoughts 4)noticing my emotions gives me just a bit more space to pause and perhaps put myself in a position to respond more wisely and with compassion and curiosity to a difficult conversation.
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I have difficulty being completely honest in a conflict. There’s a tendency to play nice to avoid too much emocional intensity. I have had difficult conversations, but it takes me a lot of courage and preparation to be able to go there.
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My tendency is to avoid conflict, yet over time I have been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and embrace the discomfort with bravery. By approaching a potentially difficult situation with clear communication, care, and understanding, and a clear goal for resolution, I am no longer putting myself at the center with strong emotions. Rather, placing the focus on the situation at hand, having respect for the other individual(s) involved, and a willingness to compromise has been helpful as a way forward.
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Sorry, that last sentence above should say “Rather, placing the focus on the situation at hand, having respect for the other individual(s) involved and alternative perspectives, and staying true to core believes, this has been helpful as a way forward.
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I am beginning to notice my tendencies to avoid conversations that could potentially lead to conflict. Creating compassion for myself in these moments allows me to be less judgemental towards myself and also watch my “tone” as I have important and difficult conversations with others.
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When practicing mindfulness and meta, the difficult conversations suddenly seem like a gift. Meta helps to better understand and feel compassion for the other person in the discussion and the difficult conversation then feels like an avenue to support them in overcoming habits that are holding them back & support them in considering more effective work habits that can advance our team’s performance and possibly advance their career.
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As a busy person, I sometimes get caught up in reaching an outcome as fast as possible and don’t have a conversation as skillfully as I wish, sacrificing a skillful conversation for a fast outcome. I have observed this is where much of my conflict and difficult conversation emerges from. It is the constraint of time, of me wanting to get more done, move faster than is realistic. But in my mind it is realistic, so I am constantly trying to conform reality to this expectation. I could do so much more to have difficult conversations more intentionally and thoughtfully. Just pausing- that essential space between stimulus and response – to thinking about the other persons situation, their reasons for showing up as they did, and what might speak to them or even concern them, would do so much to improve if not eliminate conflict and difficult conversations. They could instead become at worst constructive feedback and at best shared problem solving.
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I have observed that some people are so gracious and understanding during difficult conversations and I want to be more like them. There are people I have definitely learned from watching them skillfully navigate those conversations. I’ve also learned it’s easier to have these difficult conversations when the other person is willing to have them so timing is key.
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I have noticed that while I am focussing on difficult conversations in the last weeks, they become less intimidating. I have had a lot them recently and I don’t see that changing. I go back to earlier in the class where we had a meditation around how vast we are and the difficulties are just a small part of it. This (giving of room) has helped me to make the conversations less intimidating for me. I also have noticed that before I go into a difficult conversation I check in with my body, note what is happening, accept it, and go in. This has been very helpful.
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For me the being centered in my body helps the most because if I can remain at home I’m more peaceful and in touch with my heart. The trick is getting right back into my body if a tricky emotions or thought comes up. To settle into myself and just allow whatever it is to transpire, give it some space before I formulate a response versus having it be a ruction. I find the the more time there is between the trigger and the response the better, more balanced a response it is. I don’t mean endless time but sometimes taking space and revisiting whatever it is is a great option even when I know I could answer in a constructive way in the moment it might be ever more productive If I just give it a beat. I keep trying to return home. Return to my heart.
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I have long been aware of my ability and desire to avoid conflict and therefore difficult conversations. I can have them, but it takes quite a bit of effort and I know that I put them off for too long.I think I often wait until the situation feels less emotionally charged, which has its upsides because then I can engage in a more calm and grounded place, but the downside is that I’m often not as honest about the impact or my emotions as I could be. I think I’m trying to spare the other person from feeling badly. In the end I think I’m so busy taking care of them that I can forget to take care of myself.
In one recent, rather low stakes situation, I watched myself myself go to rather ridiculous lengths just to avoid telling somebody that something didn’t work for me and I’d rather try something else. The silly part is that by not saying anything I didn’t allow this person to listen, change their approach and then I still didn’t get what I wanted from the exchange. The focus this month on difficult conversations really illuminated the ways I do this in a variety of different places in my life.
The next step will be to actually have the difficult conversation!
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The body is a tuning fork, as Nikki has repeated, and this is such a powerful analogy. Although I have developed keen senses of embodied awareness over the years, this past year has revealed new registers to listen to more attentively; I am continually aware of how hard my body works on my behalf, with deep gratitude. The body can register danger even before we may be able to articulate as much. I have a tendency to see the other side of challenge as opportunity positively, where a tension can call attention to something that isn’t working, leading to more generous navigations/methods going forward. That said, when I broker challenging situations, at times I can undercut my own worth in attempts at peace or outcomes that support others. It is easier for me to advocate on behalf of others than myself, and I am realizing there are costs, with thanks for Nikki and Marc’s continued emphasis on the layers of metta: not only for broader humanity but also for ourselves, with all the intricate interconnections between.
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I learned that I have a lot of shame/guilt around the fact that I have conflict with anyone to begin with! As in, “I should not be having this conflict” if I am a good/functional/capable person/adult/human/woman, etc. etc. etc. There are lots of narratives!
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Through mindfulness of the body work, and my work with a somatic psychotherapist, I am learning to regain access to feeling my body. I am learning to notice
– What does that feel like?
– Where do you feel it?
– What is the relative intensity?
– What might happen next, if we….?This level of attainment with my body helps me recognize difficult conversations and prepare for them skillfully, leaning into “wise effort” and separating out false fear or “nonreal” threat.
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