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3.2 | What have you learned from / observed around conflict and difficult conversations?
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I’ve learned that I carry a good amount of heaviness in my chest area even if I am a witness to conflict or difficult conversation. I’ve had to practice how to maneuver and help facilitate understanding during relational conflict and am finding that carving out time/space to help us safely process and sit longer in the quiet moments between potential conflict and difficulty helps to buffer potential reactivity and escalation of emotions. I have also learned that bringing awareness to our bodies intermittently during difficult conversation helps to bring us back to ourselves and each other.
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I reflect that it is helpful to notice when my body is tense and when I am trying to control things unnecessarily. Even with this wisdom, it often is my job to try and control others actions so they do not impact others on the team and so it remains tricky.
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Recently, I was confronted with the opportunity to have a difficult conversation. Hopefully, you noticed the tension between the words confronted and opportunity. Physically it felt like being confronted yet cognitively I knew it was an opportunity. Typically, I run, silently, from confrontation, and it is comforting to read that others would rather not engage in conflict and difficult conversations either. However, on this day I didn’t have a choice or less choice than usual. The person was a student (MA student) and I, the faculty member. As I sat there across the Zoom screen I thought, she might be just as frightful as I, even though she didn’t look it, but she could have been. That thought gave me enough space to be with the uncomfortable feelings. It wasn’t the conversation particularly, it was not wanting to feel uncomfortable. Being present with the uncomfortable feelings allowed me to be present during the conversation (my thoughts were not benefiting me) the conversation turned out better than I thought.
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I definitely appreciated the Difficult Conversations book. I wish I had found it a lot sooner. I found real value in the simple recommendations about acknowledging feelings, asking from a place of curiosity, and thinking through the ways that identities are being challenged. Talking about it during our team meeting also helped me think how I would apply it in different circumstances, and I was pleased that it came fairly readily.
I had the chance to put it into practice with a difficult conversation with my boss (who is also a long time friend). I was making a request with significant financial implications; his physical reaction made me think it was pretty unlikely to be granted. But I stuck with the conversation, and it evolved into one that allowed him to share advice that he had been wanting to, but didn’t feel as though he had “permission”. So although I didn’t get what I had hoped in terms of my initial request, I did get the value of his perspective (and he had some good advice) in addition to strengthening the relationship.
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I experienced more conflict and difficult conversations in my close relationships these past few weeks. As I reflect on this I am framing this as me having more energy to both see and engage conflict than I have in the past. My awareness is super highly skilled at maneuvering around it to the point of noticing my own feelings or agency at times. Mindfully noticing and being compassionate with this pattern has opened up a kind of exciting space where I can be present for relationships in a renewed way where I am more online with myself and able to respond rather than react from a place of avoidance. By being compassionate with the part of myself that wishes to avoid I have become less avoidant. I also have done the couch conversation back and forth with people ahead of conversations and it has helped me have some grounding into their humanity and my own before entering the conversation.
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Mindfulness of speech is crucial to develop non violent communication. Through this practice, I experience more awareness of the words that are said in a conversation. By doing so, I experience presence and engage more with the other person. Also, I allow others to express their ideas freely without me interrupting or arguing about different views that we might have.
I perceive the transformative power that difficult conversations bring to me and rejoice in this learning process. I recognize my own effort by remaining present while allowing these conversations to take place.
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I frequently find myself asking whether the perceived conflict needs addressing (resolving) or defusing (“letting go”). Often I find that the perceived issue is a symptom of something else which requires a different approach than a difficult conversation, and a more empathetic acknowledgement of the interdependent nature of everyone’s life. Doing so has always allowed me to both address the “issue” and do without a “difficult conversation” but has also necessarily resulted in the need to re-assess the value and validity of set goals and metrics – in light of which whatever happens is usually perceived as an “issue.”
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When entering a difficult conversation after meditating and reflecting on it, I noticed that I am much calmer, focused and secure.
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This is a very hard practice. I noticed I have difficulty asserting myself or being fully honest sometimes to avoid conflict. And even though I am more aware, it’s been hard to change the behavior.
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At work I have found it easier to say ‘difficult’ things, I think that when we always talk, things don’t come together and the process becomes lighter. In personal life, talking can be much more challenging, because in closer relationships the reactions are stronger and more emotional. But I’ve also been able to speak more openly.
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This is something I am still in the midst of working on…and likely will for the rest of my life. There is quite a bit of ambiguity and transition happening both at my company and in my role. I’ve had to hold conversations with few senior folks at the company which are difficult for me. I very much like to keep my head down, do a good job, and not be the ‘squeaky wheel.’ This has turned to be unsustainable with me taking on much more than I can manage (but no one knows because I don’t speak up!). Advocating for myself is difficult but what I’d learned is that if I come to the conversation with an open mind and heart, speak my truth, and astutely listen, I feel better leaving the situation, regardless of the outcome.
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I’m experiencing that the more I intend to end them the more they perpetuate. The moment I let go and accept conflict or difficult conversations for what they are there is a opening of space and intention for them to unfold and eventually being solved. When I do not allow space for that they dominate the unconscious and are all the sudden all over the place underlying my motivations in thought and deed. I need to call them in rather than shutting them off but there are ways of making it less of a traumatic experience but more so a shared experience of growth and self-expression. It is a learning curve for sure.
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Conflict mediation is something I learned at a very young age; in my family of origin, there was a lot of unhappiness and conflict between my parents; I found myself “mediating” and protecting my mother from my father’s rage. I went on to mediate among other family members who were having difficulties. Eventually, as I grew older, I had to learn to “mediate” the conflicts within myself! and as an adolescent, acted out this anger, and then worked in therapy to handle anger in a healthy way….over the years, these skills served me well in my different roles as parent, wife, therapist, clinical supervisor, manager, division chief. What I have observed with anger is that there is usually an underlying truth and/or wisdom trying to emerge. Part of conflict mediation and having difficult conversations with folks is remembering to stay present, mindful, and allow for the space to have the conversation. This takes much skill and patience. As well as self monitoring. I believe that creating a feeling of safety is essential when entering in to situations where there could be heightened intensity around a conflict. These past few weeks, conflict and difficult conversations, have abounded in my personal and professional life. My mindful practice has helped me to maintain a grounded clear space while in the midst of these interactions where I am able to LISTEN, really listen, and also take accountability for whatever I have done to contribute to the conflict; fair accountability; meaning, in some cases, I have not had anything to do with theproblem but am tasked with cleaning it up! in other situations, clearly I added to the problem! This feels good to have this ability to self assess and admit, yes, I did act disrespectfully and apologize and then try to verbalize what the motivation underlying the action was. then, let go and move on. I have been working on having clear communication with my “difficult” person…the one to whom I send Metta…the metta practice has truly helped to facilitate greater understanding and room for less conflict.
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The difficult conversation I have been grappling with is one I have decided not to have—yet (due to a still-unfolding situation which could go either way). I was grateful to raise this in our Wisdom Circle meeting, and for the perspectives of team members.
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I’ve found myself seeking to understand, coming to the conversation with curiosity and able to be vulnerable and share my experience without assuming the other’s intent.
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