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3.2 | What have you learned from / observed around conflict and difficult conversations?
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I am aware that I am much more comfortable having difficult conversations than most people. For me it’s always been a sign of respect, both to be willing to engage and be willing to initiate in difficult conversations. What’s been surprising is that it is so much easier for me to do it at work-related issues versus in personal matters. I have been exploring more as to why this is.
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I am very avoidant of difficult conversations, but the time I spend avoiding the conversation just prolongs the time I have to have the conversation repeatedly by myself in my head and I’m sure that stress is much worse than just having the conversation. I notice I stall by coming up with reasons why now is not the right time, or because I need to get more information about x or y…but actually having the conversation opens up opportunities, particularly to listen deeply with intention to understand.
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I learned that clarity is care. By leaning on empathy and anticipating the other person’s needs in a difficult conversation, I can reasonably expect questions that I can prepare an intentional response to.
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In my past, I have had many an instance where, along with healthy, balanced difficult conversations, I have also vacillated between avoidance and conflict-based discussions. Through these practices, I am shifting so much farther into my body than I ever have before. My tissues seem to intuitively know the right path. Conflict is a part of the human experience. I am ever so grateful to learn new ways to practice being in a loving rooted place to talk through these moments.
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What I’ve observed here is a significant lowering of my internal temperature around what constitutes “urgent”. When something potentially difficult or oriented to conflict emerges, I’m able to more readily look inward and ask, “is this something that needs to be said”; “does it need to be said by me”; “does it need to be said right now”. In many cases what I’ve found of late is that many of the things that I would have labeled as urgent or needing to be addressed in the moment simply don’t. That ability to pause has yielded clear identifiable results around dealing with difficult conversations.
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I learned that difficult conversations can be fruitful, interesting and revelatory is meaningful ways. They can be memorable. They can be powerful and positive. They can be a source of growth and team building. I learned that it’s much better to have difficult conversations, then to let them sit unaddressed. Clearing the air and cultivating closeness is important. It’s worth whatever courage it takes to talk it out.
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They happen all the time. This fall I had our entire team go through a 3 month radical candor training and it has started to transform the way we relate to each other and the way we handle conflict – directly and in a more timely manner than letting things linger. We’ll see what happens but I myself am feeling very hopeful about the changes on a personal and organizational level.
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Both the subject and the techniques have been very useful and relevant. Thinking through what are the difficult conversations I need to have and what is the cost of not having them has been beneficial. And approaching them with a technique in mind has made a big difference. Specifically the sense of “I am going to share my story and then you can share yours” rather and coming with a sense of curiosity rather than arguing over objective truth has helped build understanding. And thinking through the what is at stake (I am loved, competent, a good person) helps me put myself more into others shoes.
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I feel very passionately and strongly about this topic and find it’s something others have often praised me for as I’ve never been one to naturally shy away from difficult conversations or conflict as I believe they increase the amount of tension and often prolong suffering. I do not like to sit in anxiety and worry around difficult topics and find that for others a lot of tension is around the attempt to control the reactions and responses they might get from the other person. I thankfully realized early on that there is little to do here and looking for control of those things creates more problems. All I can do is be present and be honest about my feelings and my reactions and hope the other person does the same. If we are able to compromise or resolve an issue, great, but that is not necessarily the goal in my mind. The first goal is to share our positions and be seen by the other, so that we know our feelings are valued and seen.
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Recently in a conversation with someone who was quite reactive, I found myself saying repeatedly to myself in my head to be patient because the other person was not hearing what I was saying. I tried to stay quiet so as not to say something reactive back. I felt very tense but also couldn’t find a way to shift the conversation. I thought about trying to reflect back on what was happening in the conversation but that didn’t seem like it would be received either. The waiting eventually paid off and the conversation moved forward after a pause, a shift to a different topic, and then returning to the difficult topic.
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I have a long history of both putting off difficult conversations or avoiding them altogether. I have appreciated the idea that I have a choice about having a difficult conversation or not, the asking of the why or why not in a sort of objective neutral way, removed from my fear at the idea of the interaction has been freeing in some ways. Try to be neutral and not guided by my emotions/fear when I explore the two options of having and not having/the rationale/the best possible outcome. Very useful also to have that orientation – the best possible outcome. It is a great balance to my go to – of the worst possible outcome. There is so much wisdom to be found here when one steps out of fear and into thoughtful/mindful observation. The idea of approaching difficult conversations with openness and curiosity is also liberating and seems to open all sorts of doors to explorations of what is going on, rather than starting from a point of right and wrong.
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The things I have observed surrounding conflict and difficult conversations are fear, shame, ego, and denials as a defensive posturing. Vulnerability and openness is not a friend to conflict. Difficult conversations requires tolerance, responsibility, accountability and acceptance.
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I have difficult conversations with my continent faculty quite often in teaching observations and scheduling.Even if cutting a class is based on external factors such as enrollment numbers or availability, it affects their personal and professional life significantly. While it seems simple to cancel a class, it affects their income. I notice that being embodiment helps me be more mindful and compassionate in these conversations. Grounding myself in the body also helps me feel steadier and more supported. When I’ve done this recently, I notice faculty feeling more seen and appreciated.
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For me, I’m fine having conflict but difficult conversations and successful resolutions are a challenge. I have the heat and need to work on how to approach conversations with more detached emotion.
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My self image is that I speak up for what I believe in, especially for the clients and against unfairness. Observing my style I think I was only having difficult conversations around opinions and actions, but avoiding topics about interpersonal dynamics in the team.
These difficult conversations for me revolved around reducing my workload, being clear about my needs, and to say “no,” and to articulate clearly the situations when there was interpersonal tensions.
I saw changes in myself, I did not necessarily see huge changes in the behavior of the people of the team at first, but there was some increased responsiveness as I became clearer in my communication over time.
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