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3.3 | How might you utilize what you read in the chapter “Depend on Others” from Seven Practices of a Mindful Leader?
Below, you will see the Session #3 reflection questions. Please answer these questions at the bottom of the screen.
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41 Replies
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Developing EPA’s new mindfulness program, I’ve noticed my tendency to control and take charge diminishing, as I wish to “practice what I preach”. I’m loosened my grip; I depend on others (explicitly) and express gratitude when they take responsibility. When things fall through, I notice how I feel in my body; I am more open about sharing my regret/disappointment, and am far less apt to hold a grudge about someone who “didn’t perform as needed”- equanimity rules!!!
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The part that really stuck out for me was my resistance to rely on others. That section resonated with me in many ways. Sometimes I don’t want to compromise. Sometimes I don’t want to slow down. Sometimes I don’t want to lose control of the way it will be implemented or the outcome. Sometimes I’m not confident in the idea, so I am nervous to involve others. All of these make it challenging for me to rely on others. I also grew up with being told self reliance was your ultimate goal. As a woman, who had two grandmothers that ended up divorced and troubled in some way, it was drilled in to me that I had to absolutely stand on my own two feet, get and education, go far in my career, and not be in a position where I”d ever be forced to rely on my partner, and then be stuck in a situation I didn’t want to be in. Perhaps my own nature over-shot this, but I do prefer to work alone, and know how much faster (but not further) I can go on my own. But as a leader, this has proven my biggest struggle. First, I struggle by trying to shelter the team from difficulties. But this often backfires. Team members want to be trusted and relied on. When I do share a struggle, I can see that there is an increase in confidence and trust, and quite often they are able to move an issue forward in a better way, a way I have not seen. It will be helpful for me to map out who I can rely on, and for what, and who relies on me also.
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter and found myself relating on so many levels to the stories that Marc shared. They made me laugh at certain points and also cry a little too. I’ve been in groups for extended periods where over time my interest has waned. What began as something driven by passion, turned to almost dread. I felt almost an obligation to continue in these situations feeling that others were relying on me and that I would feel like a failure if I walked away. I love that the members of Marc’s meditation group came together to carry the load and made every effort to support the dynamic of the group. It showed they truly valued his work and perhaps had taken for granted that it would always be there. Where parenting was mentioned, my son just recently asked for his own alarm clock. I love that he initiated this (I learned it was in-part to wake up early to play video games before school), but it’s an effort toward independence and responsibility that I want to help support. I found the case studies and Aristotle data eye-opening. Turns out my work style falls in the people person/work with others category. The questions posed give me a lot to consider that I want to bring to our own leadership team.
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I completely agree that doing things in groups is so much easier. I have a really hard time doing a personal yoga practice but love doing it in a group. I had thought of meditation as being more solitary but it’s good to think of it as a group activity. I REALLY enjoy when meditation and mindfulness is part of work because then I don’t feel guilty about taking time out of my day to do it. I want to add mindful breathing to the beginning of all my meetings- it’s hard not to just dive right in!
I notice the pattern of self reliance is much more prevalent among men and I wish there was more we could do to help everyone realize it is safe and acceptable to reach out for help.
The questions around the 4 types of people were helpful. I am an action person and I like to get things done. In order to get those things done, I need things from other people. I feel like people often think I’m asking for too much so there is friction.
In terms of meetings, I also love meetings. I love collaborating with people and figuring things out together. I will use your suggestions for mindful meetings. -
I really enjoyed this chapter. I can see clear areas of benefit. The first is the way meetings are run in my org needs work and using this structure can be helpful. I’m going to try it.
The second areas is starting a meditation group either in my company or in my community (or both!). On vulnerability – yes. I have prided myself on being independent. It was so lovely to list all the people I actually depend on (a lot!) and also good to note the people who are not there. There seem to be tiers of dependency. It was also interesting to look at google’s Aristotle. Psychological safety in teams (and how that is broken out) is interesting (especially the one where no one person dominates the discussion). -
I feel like I have a good grasp on the core aspects of depending on others in most places: 1) acknowledge, stop resisting, and celebrate your dependence on others; 2) increase your leadership effectiveness and your well being by leveraging how you depend on others; 3) empower others.
The people I work with a highly dependable, significant contributors and quite independent. Where I’m challenged is in my own peer group because they sometimes don’t want to say the hard stuff or ask the scary questions and I a left doing most of that job for the people in the room afraid to speak up. I know how they feel because they tell me privately but when we’re in the room wit founders they struggle to speak up. Most of the time I’m fine advocating for the group but there are times, while it’s important, I find it exhausting and also not fun to be pointing out whatever the elephant in the room is at any given time. As much as most want it pointed out, there are others who don’t always love it so it can be unpleasant at times.
I recognize this is a responsibility I can give away, maybe not to someone else but I can ask more questions vs observations with questions. WC style.
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This chapter gave me a lot to think about. As another person mentioned, I found that there were different layers of depending on others. In some places that work I find this very easy as my closest teammates are very dependable and we work well together. On the other hand, is an action oriented person I often just plow ahead and get the whole task or project on myself and I definitely could benefit from focusing on when and how I can ask for help on projects and then relinquish some control and let the other person do their work. On the other hand, I love to collaborate and brainstorm and would like to do that more with the people I work with.
With personal relationships I think I find depending on others to be much more challenging. I come from a long line of independent and extremely competent women and I have organized my life so that I can do most things having to do with systems and logistics myself. Reading this chapter helped me see how my past experiences have pushed me even more in this direction and it’s definitely given me a lot to think about and pay attention to.
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I was particularly struck by Marc’s vignette about Mill Valley Zen: how your community members made space for you to continue your teaching. Recently after teaching a course, students asked me to continue facilitating their practice in a similar vein outside an institutional structure, and offered logistical supports to enable that. They reiterated a rarity of experience that brought them together from different practices, ranks, and geographies inter/nationally in a facilitated environmental-based framework of generosity and generativity. I am trying to wrap my heart-mind around this possibility and meaningful ways to “depend on others.” I am holding space for sustainability and questioning my resistance. If I were to follow this path it seems like a big leap professionally and personally. Your essay came at a good time as it offers much to contemplate.
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I loved the example of the woman with the brown poncho, and the idea that accountability (for meditation, for a life path, for a change we’re trying to make) comes from having a community of practice/a group that holds us accountable, either formally or simply by showing up at the same time, every day, without fail.
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I really enjoyed this chapter. I regularly reflect on my being – who I am today, how I operate, what values I hold, what actions I take – as a sum of the people I’ve surrounded myself with and depend on. I have gained a great amount of comfort in asking others for help, asking them to show up, and relying on them for support and care.
So, I’m wondering, where do I not do this well? What areas of my life could I depend on others MORE? What parts of my being could benefit from a deeper connectedness and dependence on others?
(1) I would like to read at a quicker speed, but I often get distracted when I attempt to read. I could share this goal with others and, even better, start a book club in 2022 to help me. I believe that this would have ripple effects, also building a sense of community, meaningful dialogue, and support others’ reading habits as well.
(2) I believe that I can depend more on others for general check ins and well being. There is a relationship currently that leaves me feeling like I want more listening and hearing. When I have regularly engaged with Scottie, he has been filling most of our time. He hasn’t really asked about my NYC race. He hasn’t checked in about my recent half marathon time trial. Nor did he really express a deep curiosity about a recent date I went on. I plan to tell Scottie how I feel, and ask him that I need to depend on his “showing up” for me and, without it, I feel lacking. My well-being is improved when others check in with me, video call me, and hold space for me. It’s OK to ask for this if I am not getting it.
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Typically, I work as an consultant and depending on others is a large part of my role. I work on a team of consultants and we have a contractual responsibility to fulfill a list of deliverables for a team that represents the client. Depending on each other is required for our work to be successful.
On another note, I rely on close friends – more than in years past – and I really enjoy connecting with my friends. I enjoy sharing that I love them, miss them, wish them well, and checking in on them. I realized that the more I reach out for connection the more I’m filled. -
I too often discount the contributions of others. I’ve spent a good chunk of my career as a sole practitioner consultancy, and spend a lot of time outside of work on my own. There is a degree of perfectionism that prevents me from wanting to rely on others, and an understanding of self-reliance as a virtue. The “audit” exercise did call to attention just how many others I rely on in different domains of my life, with special gratitude for those who make it possible for my mom to continue living mostly independently in my childhood home, 3000 miles away from both her children. The church members, neighbors, friends, delivery people and paid home health aides that help with her daily needs, rides to the doctor, delivering groceries, are providing an essential service to her, me, and my brother. I could better recognize that and share my gratitude with them, and also use that as a pattern to show that relying on others can work and see how I could apply that in other domains in my life.
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This chapter brings to light important ideas regarding leadership and the value of certain practices to strengthen teamwork. As Marc points out, collaboration can facilitate the execution of tasks. However, it can also bring certain fears and vulnerabilities. I see the value of diversification in my own practice. In my team, we have people with different experiences and backgrounds. Each of them brings a unique focus to the work. The meetings are often enriched through that diversity of opinions and the overall understanding that we’re creating something together and the main goal is to learn from the process of collaboration each day.
The funds in the Aristotle project are valuable signs of how psychological safety and the sense of purpose at work affect people’s performance and desire to do more. Marc’s stories support our practices by reminding us that we can collaborate wisely and mindfully with our teams by evaluating the role that each of us play. I can recognize how I often act as a visionary and also take responsibility for the execution of projects by doing a big amount of planning. That means that I need team members to support me in the other categories, such as taking action and working with people.
I see the value of creating mindful teams that encourage each member to participate and bring to the meetings their questions and initiatives. Allowing each member to respond and take an active role in their organization is an important motivation to do the work with inspiration.
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I read the article and appreciated the idea of depending on others. It made so much sense to me, inspired me and invigorated me to think about community and how I can find more community in my life to help encourage me in the ways of mindfulness and presence….. And then we recently met as a wisdom circle and I had the humbling and beautiful experience of telling my story and being met with wise questions and kind warmth. One of the questions was wisely “Are you comfortable asking for help”. What was brought to light was an awareness of how compartmentalized I can be and that the embodied practice of asking for help actually came with some interesting defensees and sideways maneuvers such as rushing through what I was saying, making light of what I was saying, turning on my “I am ok” face even though I was talking about things that are not ok. As I was processing with my team I laughed compassionately at myself that my intellectual understanding of asking for help was one thing, but actually letting them help me took a lot of presence on my part and theirs. Much gratitude.
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I enjoyed reading the chapter as it gave me a clearly articulated framework to think about and reflect on practices that I already follow, but that had developed organically, often without me “know” why they work – albeit I “feel” that they do.
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